"I am an artist. Driven by passion, seized by obsession, delighted by creation, [and] enthralled with expression. Welcome to my mind."
Don’t Mind Me; I’m Just “Telling Stories”
Abuse can mean so many things; abuse can be so many things, and every time you look at it, it is wearing a different face. Abuse can be over a long period of time-years, or it can be an isolated incident where you never have to see that person ever again. It can be physical, emotional, or a combination of both. The word “abuse” can mean and cover so many different things that I won’t even pretend to know or understand-it is hard enough for me to get straight answers on what I’ve been through. This is another one of those things that people tend to keep quiet about. And even professionals, I’ve found, can be reluctant to label some cases as abuse. For me; all I knew at first was that something did not seem quite right. But whenever I asked questions and sought answers, my abuser often found out and would tell me to stop “telling stories” and “making them look bad”. Unfortunately, as in many cases, my situation had to get really bad before I got out. These poems, my only journal, can tell you some of what was going on even before I myself knew the full extent of what was occurring. If you can see yourself or your situation in any of these (although, again, these poems won’t even begin to cover all the different types of abuse) I implore you to start delving deeper, asking questions, and doing your best to get out or away from that situation. I want to warn you to be careful who you trust during that transition, you don’t want to be caught and forced to go back to an unhealthy situation because it will most likely be worse for you and harder to escape in the future. Do not take the warning signs lightly; as I did at first. Do not tell yourself that it’s only X, Y, Z and that you can handle it or that it’s only bad sometimes; because it only gets worse.
It was while I was researching how to handle my depression that more and more red flags came up for abusive situations and abusive behavior. All of the sudden many of my “uncomfortable” situations I had asked others about years ago were validated as abuse. So, just like with my depression, I read up on abuse and abusive behavior, trying to integrate what I learned to prevent and/or lessen the situations in question. I told myself that my situation was only mind games and that I could handle it, but I didn’t realize how much it drained me having to constantly be on my guard, stand up for myself and my mental wellbeing, and diffuse hostile situations. It not only stole my life, but also my happiness. And it is only by looking from the other side that I can begin to see the extent of all that was stolen from me. That’s hard. It’s hard to see that and realize; but all you can do is move forward; you have to trust me that it gets better.
My prayer is that these poems will help open eyes to reassure people to actively get out of these situations and to a place of safety and peace.
Remember that living with abuse and enduring abuse is never worth it.
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