I don’t know where to begin. I started getting sick in high school. I didn’t tell anybody because I didn’t believe that my health was that bad. But sometimes sickness creeps upon you slowly, taking everything you love piece by piece so that you don’t realize how much you have lost. At first, I was just sleepy all the time, and then that was all I was doing. I slept my junior and senior years of high school away, barely able to stay awake for classes and falling into bed as soon as I got home only to rise again for school the next day. My eyes burned all the time, my skin began to sting and crack and ooze, I began to have a perpetual brain fog, but still I found a way to hide it all from everyone in my life and I took care of the various symptoms the best I could as they came up. It was the summer after high school graduation that I almost died of anaphylaxis and if I had known what was happening at the time, I would have sat and welcomed death with open arms. Let’s face it…life isn’t a piece of cake; in fact, it is often full of pain. If you have read some of my poetry about my depression you already know where I was mentally. I had already been emotionally hurting for so long, and now I could hardly function day to day. That incident opened my eyes to all I had lost in those two years previous and led to multiple different doctor’s visits where I was met with the same thing over and over. “All the tests came back negative.” “We can’t find anything wrong.” Some of them even suggested that I was making it all up and all I could think was, “can’t you see me? Does this look normal to you? Does this look well to you? Healthy?” During college I was so exhausted and full of pain that I couldn’t even keep my head up for my classes. I laid there, listening, just trying to make it through the day. I was put on various medications to cover up some of my symptoms, but none of them were working well enough, or their side effects only made me more miserable. There was nothing left of me. I was a shell of what I once was, and as for quality of life–that was a joke. I wasn’t living anymore; the best I can word it is that I was trying my best to survive and failing. On this particular night I was pacing my room. It was some time after midnight and the tears were streaming down my face. I was so tired, and I hurt so much: emotionally, physically. I felt like I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was all worked up, pacing, heart pounding. “I want to die! Just let me die! I can’t do this anymore!” I was trying to keep my grip on the tenuous strand that was my own life, but it was slipping and I didn’t know if I would make it to see the sunrise only a few long hours away. That was when I heard Him. Hush my Child. My breathing slowed; my heart quieted in my chest. It all drained from me as I crumpled on the bed, rocking, tears still streaming down my face. All I could do was listen as my Lord whispered to my heart and soothed my tired and worn soul: Don't listen to the voices that rage within you, they speak only lies and seek to destroy you. For they know I have made you resolute, empowered you beyond reckoning, and have great plans for you. I was writing His words down as fast as I could, but I couldn’t help but lift my face to the ceiling. I was drawn to His presence, so alive and real, enveloping me in a love I can’t describe, and speaking directly to my weeping soul. My Daughter, together we will move mountains. All of creation will know you are mine, and that you were made to change the world. My Darling, you were made to stir up the people. To help bring their hearts back to me. Do not let the lies of the devil fill your head, nor your heart; and do not let his tricks hinder your way. Know not only have I given you all you need for your journey, but also know I will be with you every step of the way. Do not forget this. Hide it deep within your spirit. For the way will not be easy. My Love, you will be misunderstood, mocked, and hated for my sake. At times the way will be dark, you will feel that you can no longer hear my voice or feel my presence, and it will be difficult for you to remember all I have told you. But I promise you this: that even in your darkest times, when you feel broken, and unable to go on; I will never leave you nor forsake you. You are mine, and I will never let you go. I was still rocking. The tears still poured down my face. But I was brought to a place of love and comfort I had never known; it settled into the very essence of my being. I can't describe the feeling that washed over me-the nearest thing I can think to say is that I felt WHOLE. I was at peace. And I lived to see the sunrise that morning. I have His words written down as the poem My Child. God’s poem that He gave me to remind me that He loves me and still has a plan for my life even when everything seems shrouded in darkness and despair. I will treasure His words always. I often read them to myself to remind me of that night whenever times become dark again, when I cannot feel His presence, or hear His voice. I have empowered you beyond reckoning and have great plans for you… I will be with you every step of the way… I promise you that even in your darkest times, I will never leave you nor forsake you… You are mine, and I will never let you go… I only hope that wherever you are and whatever you are going through; that these words also bring comfort to you and remind you of the promises God has made. Know that He is with you and do not give up hope.
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