This is when my own fetters fell from my eyes and the spiritual warfare in my own life was revealed to me. My deep ongoing struggle with depression and suicide is not something that I hide–not anymore. I don’t know exactly when I started struggling with depression but I do remember wanting to take my life in the third grade; I was only eight. I used to not know why satan would see fit to bother himself with so young of a child, but now I do. Spiritual warfare begins affecting us when we are young because satan is intending to cripple us before we can ever learn to walk. Emotionally, spiritually; it doesn’t matter, he will inflict as much damage as he is able and oftentimes, we are right there helping him do so. Satan’s intent with all of this is to prevent us from becoming the person God has made us to be, and one of his weapons and one I personally know well is isolation, physically and spiritually. This makes us feel powerless even though “[God] is right there waiting for [us] to take His hand and give it all to Him”. God has a plan for our life, and guess what...satan doesn’t like it. I remember that with my depression I would oftentimes say something along the lines of “but this isn’t me. I don’t know what’s going on, but this isn’t me.” At times I could feel the difference of an unseen presence but I didn’t know what it was or what to do because at the same time the depression was within me and it was overpowering me. Depression was an everyday battle. Not committing suicide was an everyday battle. My life was so full of pain that pain was all I knew. I barely held on day after day, and that was only by the grace of God and a glimmer of hope within me that I didn’t even know existed. Although, looking back, I can see it now. Satan was trying to kill me. He was doing everything he could to prevent me from doing whatever it is that God has planned for my life and his primary tools in my life were depression and lies. Afterall, is he not the father of lies? But just as the poem says “why would [he] work so long and so meticulously on someone as insignificant as I?” It is because I am anything but insignificant; and neither are you. God has designed us for His glory and with Him we will move mountains because we were made to change the world for His glory. We are creations of an almighty king and as such we were made to be beacons to the lost and dying world around us. But the lost and dying world is dark...and it is hard. There is spiritual warfare all around us–within us, but God says to take heart for He has overcome the world (John 16:33). Do not forget this and no matter what you are up against, remember to always seek the Truth.
Someone As Insignificant As I I see it now.....the truth. I know the plans He has for me; And I know why you have been striving to take my life for so long. I know how you multiplied my pain, And whispered your lies into my head, Into my heart, Telling me that MY LORD had forsaken me. Telling me that I was filthy and undeserving of His loving-kindness. How could He ever love someone as broken as you made me believe I was? How could He ever love someone hurting like I was? And if He truly loved me, Why didn't He take away my pain? You made me feel like I was alone, when He was right there waiting for me to take His hand and give it all to Him. You have been fighting these battles, Waging this war, Hoping that you could break me and make me believe that there was nothing left, Hoping that you could manipulate me into taking my own life. But why would you work so long and so meticulously on someone as insignificant as I? It is because you are afraid; Afraid of ME. You have seen the hand of the Lord on my life and you know that He has called me His own. You know that He loves me and has great plans for me. He has designed me for His glory, And through all you have done, He has been shaping and forming my heart to match His own. He is taking the pain, He is taking the perceived brokenness, And is reforging me anew. He gives me strength, kindness, and compassion, He is showing me how to help His people. He is teaching me and preparing me to be His hands and feet; To be a light and a beacon to those around me. You. You know the strength of the Lord Most High...and you are afraid. You know how the war ends. You know your destiny. And you are afraid. You are taking your pain and frustration out on the world. You want us to be consumed by our pain and misery like you are, And you are trying to make us believe that we are alone, and that there is no hope, But we will continue to fight and seek the truth. God is on our side, and with Him for us, You cannot stand against us.
skylarkwoodrow.com 