*Trigger Warning* This collection of poems deals with depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts. Although the intent of posting these poems is to let you know that you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings, please proceed with caution and stop when you need to. You are so important, and I know if you have ventured to this page that you may be struggling right now. Don't let the pain that I experienced and recorded do any more damage to anyone else. At the very bottom of this page there is a button for a small amount of supportive resources I have found and put together. If you are interested, scroll to bottom and check it out. Again, please proceed with caution, only you know what is best for you.
I think many people struggle with the darkness of depression whether they choose to admit it or not. There are times when the human spirit seems to have had more that it can take, and the fire of that spirit seems to go out. Sometimes we feel like we have been encompassed within the darkness for so long that we think that it is all there is, and with this we forget the very existence of light. As the years have gone by I have found that some of these poems are all that are left to testify of the battle that has been raging all the days of my life and will continue to rage on in the years to come. They are memories long forgotten of what I had considered to be the darkest moments in my life and I have found that they are only memories….long forgotten. They hold no sway in my life as it is today and the words recorded here are only dust remnants of the pain and anguish of all those yesterdays that I thought would last forever.
The other poems here are the brief respites during my days of darkness that strengthened me along my journey through life which can seem so terrible at one point and such a blessing at another. Because the dawning of a new day does not always come quickly, heralded in by the morningsong of the birds. Sometimes it appears faintly in the distance and the rays of the sun are slow in approaching. The light may seem barely distinguishable from the darkness, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is there.
They Thought They Could Break Me
Soulsearching
Trapped
To anyone who reads these, to anyone who cares, to anyone whose heart has been plagued by the demons mentioned here; I want to share with you something that perhaps may be able to give you some hope....all this can end. I wrote the introduction to this poetry anthology many years ago, and I wrote it with the hope of things that had not yet come to pass. I still wanted to die. I was still in pain and suffering day after day, but I didn't want anyone else to feel that way-hopeless. I didn't want anyone else to feel like there was no end in sight and that they would be suffering all the days of their life, or until they decided to take matters into their own hands. I know that pain, and I had these poems, and I thought that perhaps these memories of my pain and the hope I so desperately clung to could do some good. I wanted them to tell you that you are not alone, you are not abnormal, you are not a freak. Life is hard. Life is not always kind. And I wanted them to tell you to keep fighting and that there is always hope. It is possible to come to a place of healing and restoration. Now I can truly say that some of these poems are all that are left to testify of this battle that I thought I would be fighting all the days of my life. I have come out on the other side, alive, not unscathed, but alive, and I am turning my face towards the light of a new life. I am now able to pursue healing, and piece by piece I am reforging myself anew. It has taken me a long time to get to this point and I savor this taste of victory on my lips and in my bones, and I want to tell you some things I have found along the way: Depression can have many sources, not all of them have to be you...or your fault. Sometimes your body may not make enough neurochemicals for itself, and just like other people need glasses or hearing aids, you may need to supplement some of those. For others, the source of you depression may be bulling, abuse, trauma, stress, environmental; there can be so many triggers. I didn't start climbing my way out until I started learning about depression and figuring out these triggers. What was depression really? What were the side effects? How did it affect people's lives? It wasn't until I looked my demons in the face and started studying them that I was able to find clues and answers. During that time, I always asked myself, "If I am struggling with depression, how am I going to work with myself to set myself up for success?" And this isn't wasn't a one time deal, I had to search and learn and truly know myself. What were my triggers? What were some things I needed to avoid? And I even learned that there were somethings I just couldn't do altogether; like going to school dances. Some of these decisions are hard, but I have found that knowing and learning these things about yourself helps. And although it sometimes it seems like the smallest, most insignificant thing; that one little thing is still one more step in the right direction. Keep fighting, I'm looking at you from the other side and I'm telling you that it will be worth it. You matter, and you are loved and cherished in ways you might not even be able to comprehend. And one day, you too may find yourself saying that depression holds no sway in your life as it is today and the things recorded here are only dust remnants of the pain and anguish of all those yesterdays that you thought would last forever.
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