The Audacity of the One Called “God”

	My parents had drug me to church yet again to listen to another spiel of lies.
	“–and He loves us and cares for us. He knit us in our mother's womb! Just look at Psalm 139:13–”
	My gaze slid over to my father and mother who were listening attentively to every word that dripped from that man's mouth. My focus then turned to my siblings and the many adopted children sprawling out in either direction.
	I won’t lie, we looked pretty good sitting there. Like the perfect family. Middle class, loving, godly parents with their well-behaved children (not counting the new editions just yet) and adopting a family of four children all at the same time. We were at church every Sunday, volunteering and helping the community, you name it. Everything looked good–from the outside. But, then again, perhaps I was just the black sheep...feeling the things I felt, suspicions bubbling just below the surface. My soul twisting and turning within its cage of blood and bone.
	Soon enough it was over, my parents lingered. After church there was always lunch at some sort of restaurant where we may just so happen to run into more people from church–more pleasantries and preforming. Then we usually headed home and there we diverged into our different cliques and clans; ones decidedly not so picture perfect.   
	I couldn't honestly tell you where I was in this whole bungle of a life that seemed to have been meted out to me. I was alone–a separate solidarity piece, yet some sort of glue. I seemed to be a pretty good daughter, helping whenever I was needed, taking care of my siblings as well as the additional children while mom and dad worked to be able to provide for all of us. I seemed to be doing anything and everything before receding back into the walls where I belonged.
	Yes, from the outside, everything looked perfect. I was always told that things were fine, that we were blessed with a wonderful family, home, food...So why did I want to leave it all? Why did I want to die? Perhaps it was because I was what they called a teenager. I was emotional, making mountains out of mole hills, being too sensitive, and all those other things my parents would say whenever I would try to point out something that seemed to me to be not quite right. And, oh, yeah, there was that little problem that I could never tell them about–wanting to die.
	I felt so empty, yet so full of pain at the same time. It is hard to describe this war of the mind to those who haven't been there, but it is like suffocating in a room full of air. It is like a nightmare that you never can wake from till you are released from the torment so ironically called life. You get tired, after a while, tired of all that fighting. It wears you down. Some have said that it is a cancer of the soul. May those of you who are reading this know nothing of such things, yet that was where I was. That was what I was–for it consumed me. And it was this that led me to this exact point in my life.

	I was mad...at God, no, I was furious with Him. It was some time after midnight, tears streaming down my face, didn't know if I would make it to see sunrise kind of night. 
That's when I lost it.
	“How dare You create me!” I screamed. Throat raw, my eyes burning, I screamed, “I never asked to be born! I never asked to be here, I never asked for any of this! If You really are all knowing and if You really know us as we are 'knit in our mother’s womb'”, I sneered, “then why did you, knowing all that, still choose to curse me to this place–curse me to this existence?”
	My voice cracked, breaking at the last of this, but I was still full of anger–and rage. I needed more air. Breathing through my nose, I tried to soften the bellowing of my lungs, but I only succeeded in sounding like a maddened bull.
	Hush my Child.
	What?
	I did create you. And I do love you.
	Startled, I looked around me, but I knew that no one was there. 
	Your name is Elysian. Do you know what it means?
	I could barely shake my head in response.
	It means beautiful or creative; divinely inspired, peaceful.
	I blinked at that; my mind barely able to register all that it was hearing swiftly enough.
	Do you know why you were named that?
	The voice seemed to caress my heart.
	Because that is exactly what you are.
	I felt like I had been hit in the chest with a sledgehammer. My breathing slowed; my heart quieted in my chest. It all drained from me and with a sigh of surrender I crumpled to the floor.
 The voice went on, but I'd be lying if I told you that I didn't Know. That my soul didn't Know the voice of its creator. All I could do was listen as he whispered to my heart:
	Don't listen to the voices that rage within you, they speak only lies and seek to destroy you. For they know I have made you resolute, empowered you beyond reckoning, and have great plans for you.
	I lifted my face, drawn to His presence, so alive and real, enfolding me and speaking into my very soul.
	My Daughter, together we will move mountains. All of creation will know you are mine, and that you were made to change the world. My Darling, you were made to stir up the people. To help bring their hearts back to me. Do not let the lies of the devil fill your head, nor your heart; and do not let his tricks hinder your way. Know not only have I given you all you need for your journey, but also know I will be with you every step of the way. Do not forget this. Hide it deep within your spirit. For the way will not be easy. My Love, you will be misunderstood, mocked, and hated for my sake. At times the way will be dark, you will feel that you can no longer hear my voice or feel my presence, and it will be difficult for you to remember all I have told you. But I promise you this: that even in your darkest times, when you feel broken, and unable to go on; I will never leave you nor forsake you. You are mine, and I will never let you go.
	The tears still poured down my face as I was brought to a place of love and comfort that settled into the very essence of my being. I couldn't describe the feeling that washed over me, the nearest thing I can think to say is that I felt WHOLE. I was at peace. And I lived to see the sunrise.